Covert Narcissist: Signs, Causes, and How to Respond

The goal of creating distance is not to hurt the other person; the goal is to protect yourself and create space for you to heal. Take time to tune back in with yourself, who you are, and what you are about. Strengthening your relationship with yourself covert narcissist and alcohol is key in being able to speak up during interactions with a narcissist. Setting boundaries can be very difficult, particularly with a narcissist. Remember that boundaries are just a way for you to let someone else know what your values are.

• Like other cluster-B personality disorders, NPD has various causes—which we will get into later—but they mostly involve trauma during a person’s early development.
• Strengthening your relationship with yourself is key in being able to speak up during interactions with a narcissist.
• Whether it’s a friend, family member, co-worker, or significant other, maintaining any type of personal relationship with a covert narcissist can be challenging.
• The study commented that people who show grandiose traits may have feelings of importance in an environment of drinking where this quality may thrive.
• Similarly, they’ll claim that they can’t go back to school because they’re supporting others financially, and they can’t train physically because they’re too tired or sick from sacrificing themselves for their families for years.

Understanding Covert Narcissists and Abuse

People who are experiencing problems with alcohol, drugs, or sex should contact a doctor or mental health professional. A doctor can offer help and treatment to those dealing with addiction, which may involve suggesting lifestyle changes or rehabilitation clinics. A 2014 study looking at infidelity also found that people with narcissism were more likely to be unfaithful during a relationship. A 2015 study of college sexual assaults revealed that perpetrators scored highly on a narcissistic personality scale after completing a questionnaire. Narcissism may leave people more prone to problematic substance use, including alcohol use disorder, as well as other forms of addiction, such as sex addiction and social media addiction.

• The more covert form of pathological narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is not expressed the same way in every individual, but there are typical patterns that are very common.
• Then, you may come home one day to find that they’ve cleaned out your bank account, packed half of your belongings, fled while you were away, and ghosted you.
• A simple, everyday example could be something like putting a tip in the jar at your local coffee shop.
• This may refer to emotional, physical, psychological, or neglectful forms of abuse.
• It’s generally what comes to mind for many people when they think about narcissism.

The Narcissistic Addict

If you must be in the same environment because you work together, aim to keep yourself to yourself and don’t engage in small talk with them, nor spend time with them at lunch or after work hours. If your colleagues get together for lunch, stay at your desk or go out alone to eat instead. Many narcissists quit therapy when they feel challenged or threatened, especially if the techniques they use to charm or manipulate people don’t work on their therapist. Whereas in a healthy relationship, a partner might express that they aren’t happy and either suggest counseling or a breakup, a covert narcissist will keep everything to themselves. Then, you may come home one day to find that they’ve cleaned out your bank account, packed half of your belongings, fled while you were away, and ghosted you.

Don’t be fooled by covert narcissists, they can be as dangerous as other types.

They might even pretend to be a victim of your behavior or engage in emotional abuse to put themselves in a position to receive reassurance and praise from you. Whether overt or covert, the goal is to make the other person feel small. In addition to looking for the red flags of a narcissist, it is also important to be able to recognize the more subtle behaviors of a covert narcissist.

Is covert narcissism more common in men or women?

Normal introverts are generally good listeners, but not this narcissist. Rather than ordering others around, the covert narcissist can get their way indirectly through passive-aggressive behavior. They may agree to things, but not follow through, be late, forget, or pretend there was no agreement. Covert narcissists may add self-pity to their toolkit to control others. Rather than put down others directly, they are more likely to express envy.

This is because those whose narcissistic traits are turned inward rather than outward tend to repress and hide their tendencies. They may be excruciatingly sensitive and introverted, and they are often crippled by insecurity and low self-esteem. Calling out covert narcissism can be difficult, but it starts with being mindful of behavioral patterns and paying attention to that gut feeling you have when something feels a little off. But when you consider someone’s motivation behind those acts of service, the covert narcissist may be doing those things for praise, admiration or just to get ahead in life. Plus, it’s easy for a covert narcissist to burn themselves out by over-extending themselves for other people in an effort to be perceived as a good person.

Covert narcissism can develop from a number of different causal factors. Those mentioned below are the primary causes, but the list may not encompass the full spectrum of reasons why an individual ends up with covert NPD. This is because covert narcissism manifests differently from overt narcissism, and thus may not be as easy to spot. In truth, we all have various kinds of insecurities, but we don’t have to let those insecurities control the way we think about ourselves and the world around us.

How to cope with the challenges of relating with narcissists or addicted people

• Often, covert narcissistic abuse involves emotional manipulation and psychological games.
• Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and alcohol use disorder (AUD) are closely linked and can occur together as a dual diagnosis.
• Other people have experienced narcissistic abuse and have also overcome the emotional pain that comes from it.
• Extroverted narcissists sometimes also act covertly, pout, and play the victim in order to manipulate.
• Obligation is a major motivator for a lot of people, and they’ll often try to do what they can for the injured party in an attempt to alleviate their own discomfort—much to the narcissist’s satisfaction.
• Get the help you need from a therapist near you–a FREE service from Psychology Today.

The exact causes for this are not known, but genetics and early relationships may play a role. Common narcissistic traits include having a strong sense of self-importance, experiencing fantasies about fame or glory, exaggerating self abilities, craving admiration, exploiting others, and lacking empathy. Many people with narcissism may also have an addiction to alcohol, sex, drugs, or social media.

There are steps that you can take to protect yourself from covert narcissistic abuse. While they may be aware on some level that their behaviors have a negative impact on other people, narcissists also tend to lack self-awareness and insight. Because they often believe they deserve the attention and accolades they seek, they may see nothing wrong with their behavior as long as it achieves the intended results.